Reevaluation

For anyone that has been following my blog for the last year, you know a major theme has been change and a lot of the focus has been my challenges and attempts in evaluating and trying to find direction in my life.  I had made some decisions to proceed with some pretty major changes in my life, including a move across the country.  Then, as it too often does, fate chose to intervene in my carefully laid plans. 

In the months proceeding my decision to move, I agonized over the decision, weighed all of my options and finally decided to take the leap.  I had explored job opportunities, lifestyle changes and all of the things a major move entails.  (And, having been an Army brat, I am very familiar with major moves!).  I thought I had really evaluated the impact the move would have on my kids, my friends, my general state of mind.   I still believe I did all of the right things in preparing to make the decision. I also don't regret having made the decision and putting the plan into motion.  What I did not anticipate was a major change in the economy which changed my employment prospects significantly.  While I had deeply contemplated it, I apparently also underestimated the intensity of the emotions both of my boys and I would feel at the thought of  such a dramatic separation. There was never a question that my boys would not move with me.  They live with their father, very near their grandmother, in the same neighborhood, going to the same schools with the same kids since they were in kindergarten.  So, at 18 and 16, they were not prepared to leave their lives. 

 

                                                     So now, I am faced with a complete reevaluation of my future plans.  The jobs that were so plentiful are now few and far between.  The tugs on my heart at the difficulty and impact my decision to uproot my life has had on my children are huge.   I had made the decision to change my life because I needed a new perspective, new surroundings, a change.  A friend pointed out recently that maybe what I needed was not so much a physical change but an emotional and mental one.  Maybe it was the actions of evaluating the options, making the decision, putting the plan in action that were what were important, not so much the actual move.  Maybe I needed to discover that I had the strength and courage within me to do those things.  And that maybe, the curve balls that fate/my higher power/karma, whatever is having the impact, are throwing my way are meant to tell me exactly that. 

I think in a large part she might be right.  There is something different about me since I have made those decisions.  It is a welcome positive change that gives me hope for whatever may come my way in the future. Now, I once again have to toil through reviewing my options and the direction my future will take.  I have not yet come to any definitive conclusions.  It is looking like I may stay here, but I may make some other changes in my life to give me the new perspective I was searching for. I may find a new environment in the form of a new house in a new neighborhood, I may start to actively pursue my interest in photography (thanks to some recent glowing compliments from a professional photographer), I may change jobs, I may start a company, I may go back to college, who knows what changes I may make.  What I do know is that whatever decisions or changes I make, I am now making them with a newly found strength, new courage, a new viewpoint.  That's a pretty fabulous feeling.